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If I Ruled The World

My subjects would get a daily humour prescription. Laughing every day would be compulsory for everyone. Taking a joke well would be mandatory for all citizens. I’d give an extra shot of humour to self-righteous bhakts and trolls.

I’d unite this divided world with food. My kingdom’s motto would be ‘wake and bake’. There will be food from across the globe available to all. It would solve the world’s hunger crisis and have some important fringe benefits. Have you noticed how cranky you can be on an empty stomach? Food just makes everything better and carbs make you kinder. In fact, it even helps improve conversations and makes discussions more productive. So if any of my subjects were
having a bad day, I’d order them to have a heavy and hearty meal.

Online trolls will be sent on a social media exile.
 And their social media handles would be taken away from them. Their punishment would be to live in a world without digital media and technology. Just as an added precaution, their mouths would also e sealed temporarily with indus-trial-strength glue until the end of their punishment.

The following would definitely be banned.
 The expressions ‘anti-national’, ‘acche din’ and ‘sanskriti’ and, of course, ‘skin-lightening creams’. They won’t exist in my kingdom.

My maiden decree will be comfort first.
 High heels and uncomfortable gowns (or anything that makes you uneasy) would be banned. There are people that look nice in them, but I am not too sure if they are comfortable. Also, long pointed nails would not be tolerated in my regime.

Diljit Dosanjh would be my second in command. He’s simply amazing and a super-talented actor and singer [from Punjab]. He’d be the best for the job-as he’s original, he’d keep me entertained and give me sound counsel. Makeup Didi [a character popularized by Mallika on social media] would be absolutely unfit for this job, though. If, by accident, she became the ruler of the world, she’d find a way to eliminate her pesky clients-and possibly sue them and further her own demands and wishes.

No one will be allowed to ask me for ‘viral videos’. The ones who still dare would be sent to attend a liberal arts college-all expenses paid. Those with business degrees would be questioned.

Fat-shamers would be punished severely. 
If someone fat-shames another person, they’d first be whipped and then overfed. And then, when they are overweight, they would be fat-shamed so they know how it feels to be on the other side.



About the author

Cecilia Castaneda

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